Steven Oates at 50: Pride, Freedom and a Life of Community

Sometimes, after an interview ends, I find myself thinking less about what a person has achieved and more about who they have become.

That was my experience after spending time with Steven Oates.

Many people know Steven through decades of advocacy, media work and his contributions to New Zealand's Rainbow community. Those achievements deserve recognition. But what stayed with me wasn't the television appearances, the community leadership or the public profile.

It was his freedom.

Not the freedom that comes from success or recognition, but the freedom that comes from no longer living according to other people's expectations.

Steven said something that has remained with me:

"The greatest freedom you'll ever have in your life is not caring what other people think."

As we talked, I realised that this freedom didn't appear overnight. It was cultivated over a lifetime.

It began with parents who loved him unconditionally. A father who never hesitated to say, "I love you," and a mother whose energy and optimism embraced life with enthusiasm. Together, they created an environment where Steven never had to hide who he was. They accepted his friends without judgment, regardless of who they were. In many ways, they taught him that people are simply people.

That lesson became the foundation of his life.

Perhaps that is why, throughout his career, Steven has never tried to change who he is to fit into the world. Instead, he has quietly helped create a world where others might feel safe enough to be themselves.

Listening to him, I also realised that curiosity has always been at the heart of his work.

When I asked why he had spent so much of his life sharing other people's stories, his answer was simple.

"Everyone has a story."

That sentence says so much about who Steven is.

Where others might see a stranger, he sees a person with a history.

Where others rush to judge, he asks, "What happened?"

Where social media encourages us to react, Steven reminds us to remain curious.

He spoke about seeing a homeless person being filmed and mocked online. Rather than joining the criticism, his instinct was to do otherwise. He wondered who that person was. What had brought them to that moment? What story had led them there?

That response isn't just empathy. It's a way of seeing people.

Another thing that struck me was how comfortable Steven is with the different seasons of life.

He doesn't cling to titles or visibility.

He told me he has done his time in the media. If the phone keeps ringing, that's wonderful. If it doesn't, that's okay too.

"You've got to let go of everything gracefully."

There is something deeply peaceful about that.

Many of us spend our lives trying to hold on to relevance, recognition or identity. Steven seems more interested in making space for others than holding onto the spotlight. Leadership, for him, isn't about always being seen. It's about knowing when to step back so others can step forward.

Our conversation also explored the changing Rainbow community, social media and generational differences.

Although Steven has concerns about increasing division and the loss of face-to-face connection, I never heard bitterness. Instead, I heard understanding.

He recognises that every generation must find its own path.

He may not agree with everything younger people do, but he believes they deserve the grace to discover their own way, just as previous generations did.

That, too, is a quiet form of wisdom.

As our conversation came to an end, I found myself reflecting on why Steven has become such a respected figure.

It isn't simply because of the work he has done.

It is because the work has always reflected who he already was.

Curious.

Compassionate.

Grounded.

Comfortable in himself.

Perhaps that is why so many people trust him. They don't simply hear what he says. They feel who he is.

In a world that often rewards being louder, Steven reminds us that there is another way.

Live your life.

Treat people with kindness.

Remain curious.

And don't waste your life worrying about what other people think.

That may be the greatest freedom any of us can find.

Full Podcast: Steven Oates at 50: Pride, Freedom and a Life of Community